Alright. Alright! I can already hear you!
"Astrology is fake!" you cry, wishing there was a comment section to drop in a quote from Carl Sagan or Neil Degrasse Tyson about the real wonders of the universe to appreciate. "The stars don't rule your life, dummy!"
And hey, they probably don't! But astrology is fun and, as well-documented by national and local outlets alike, on the rise in popularity again among people of color, women and queer communities. So I'm going to keep enjoying it.
And please do leave that comment from Carl Sagan, I love him. (I do not love Neil deGrasse Tyson, however.)
In celebration of tomorrow's winter solstice and the end of the year, here are 12 of the best CPR stories from 2019 as the astrological signs.
Aries ♈
Arieses are the fiery, ambitious child of the astrological family. They're impatient and impulsive, but brave and optimistic too. So, there is literally nothing more Aries than blowing up a 40-kiloton nuclear bomb to try mining for fossil fuels more efficiently. And that's exactly what a group of people did six and a half miles south of Rulison, Colorado in 1969.
Taurus ♉
Tauruses really enjoy high-quality, comforting things, and a lot of times, that manifests as a love for good food. They're also stubborn and loyal to a fault, and have a hard time letting things go. Enter, the New Mexico-Colorado chile war. This is the dumbest (but also most delicious) argument that just won't stop, and there's definitely a Taurus or five on each side driving the debate.
Gemini ♊
Look, I know Geminis have a bad rep. I am one, and it's impossible to ignore the alarmed look people give you when you tell them you're a Gemini.
But even with the baggage, being a Gemini is great. We love to learn, we're witty as all get out and we don't judge. Yeah, we can be gossipy and flighty, mea culpa. That's all why I think this story about teens being judged for breaking language when they're really experimenting with and adding to it is quintessential Gemini.
Cancer ♋
Oh, sweet Cancers. Y'all are bleeding hearts, the sensitive souls. That makes you great empaths, but also prone to taking things a little too seriously. That's why your story is less about the article itself and more about the reaction to it. Readers and listeners really, really responded to the news that Denver would be rounding up and culling geese. Emotions ran high. Someone even submitted a poem dedicated to the geese that were killed. It truly was Cancer season. (Seriously! This happened smack in the middle of Cancer season, which runs June 21 - July 22).
Leo ♌
Leos want to be ADORED. And they'll adore you right back. They're gregarious, generous and creative, but can also be self-absorbed, oblivious and even lazy. The rags-to-riches story of Aspen from busted mining town to playground of the rich is the ideal Leo biography, not only for all that luxury, but for the fun times with good-looking, successful friends.
Virgo ♍
I'd like to tell you a little bit about our Earth sign, because I can already tell you might not get it. We work out tails off. Forget nothing. Are more patient than you could ever imagine. We take responsibility incredibly serious. But also we're never working hard enough, and even if we remember everything, we probably forgot something and that will haunt us forever. And so no story is good enough to be a Virgo.
But, because it's important to us to please people and follow directions, we'll offer this one as a runner-up — about climate activists in Denver using disinformation to falsely report a climate emergency. Because no matter where you stand on this tactic, we'll never forget it happened. — Francie Swidler, guest contributor and Virgo queen
Libra ♎
Libras love beautiful things, pleasing everyone and a good, frothy night out. Does that sound like a trip to the Denver Art Museum's Monet exhibit or what? Libras can also probably relate to how well these paintings travel, since they're not afraid to splurge on themselves (or be splurged on).
Scorpio ♏
Scorpio season coincides with Halloween for a reason. These water signs have a dark sense of humor and a mysterious vibe. A Scorpio is the classic example of someone who will be a forever friend, but don't betray them — or else. To honor our favorite spooky-loving sign, here are Indie 102.3's 10 best horror music videos of the year.
Sagitarrius ♐
Sagitarriuses are independent to their core. They make fun, adventurous and whip-smart friends and partners, but it can take a lot of work to get them to commit to that. This story about a roller derby couple competing against each other the day before their wedding to decide whose surname to take is not only adorable, but it is a Sag's passionate spirit at its best.
Capricorn ♑
A Capricorn has never met a graph or a process they didn't like. They know they can make it better, for sure, but anything over disorder. If Capricorns could sum up everything in charts the way we did John Hickenlooper's career as Colorado governor, they would.
Aquarius ♒
Courtesy of David Hall/Burger Records
A still from "Where In The Hell Is The Lavender House?" shows Longmont Potion Castle, seen from behind, at the recording rig he uses for prank calls.
Aquariuses at their best are creative weirdos with an activist streak who know all the coolest bands and bars. But at their worst, they can be a walking embodiment of an overdone hipster joke from 2010, not to mention emotionally cold. What I'm saying is, the Longmont Potion Castle prank caller guy is 110 percent an Aquarius.
Pisces ♓
Last but not least, Pisces! Creative, wise and soft in every sense of the word, Pisces see the world and communicate in a unique way. They would definitely be able to translate a sense of place into a custom scent like this Boulder perfumer did, working in measurements so delicate a breeze could affect the scale. Stay soft, little fish!
