Lissa Yellow Bird-Chase is an Arikara woman who, after years of struggling with addiction and abusive relationships, has found healing, recovery, and purpose in investigating unsolved murders. The story of her spiritual path to recovery is memorable and moving.
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Host: Vic Vela
Lead producer: Luis Antonio Perez
Editors: Rebekah Romberg, Erin Jones
Additional producer: Jo Erickson
Music: Daniel Mescher, Brad Turner
Executive producers: Brad Turner, Rachel Estabrook
Thanks also to Kevin Dale, Hart van Denburg, Jodi Gersh, Clara Shelton, Matt Herz, Martin Skavish, Kim Nguyen.
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On Twitter: @VicVela1
Transcript
Vic Vela:
This episode contains vivid descriptions of domestic violence. Please be advised.
In 3, 2, 1.
Lissa Yellow Bird-Chase understands how drugs, alcohol and abuse can play into the challenges indigenous communities face because she's experienced all of it herself. She identifies as Arikara, which is part of the Three Affiliated Tribes in North Dakota. Lissa has lived a hard life. These days she helps find missing indigenous women, and she knows the way she used to live, she could easily have been on the other side of a search.
Lissa Yellow Bird-Chase:
Once you start understanding the reasons why people are going missing and murdered, I feel more, more gratefulness because I had every reason to be one of the missing and murdered. It's like, that was me. How many times, in retrospect, that I've looked at different situations that have happened to me – I could say there have been a couple handfuls of times where I've had some pretty close near misses.
Vic:
Indigenous women are murdered up to 10 times the national average, and finding missing women on reservations is often hindered by a lack of resources and a fog of bureaucracy. Ever since she started searching for missing and murdered women, Lissa has begun to heal from years of trauma, but she was a broken spirit for a long time until she was lifted by her elders’ spirits. And now she provides hope for other natives who are looking for answers.
I'm Vic Vela. I'm a journalist, a storyteller and a recovering drug addict. And this is “Back from Broken” from Colorado Public Radio. Stories about the highest highs, the darkest moments and what it takes to make a comeback.
Lissa:
Let’s take a quick cough break.
Vic:
Hold on a sec. [Laughing. Coughing.]
Lissa:
Then take your drink. [Clearing throat loudly] Clear your throat. Get yourself together. Yep.
Vic:
[Laughing] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
If there's anyone who knows about holding it together and getting through things, it's Lissa. Her childhood was a kind of hell that most of us can only imagine. There were times when Lissa lived away from the Fort Berthold Reservation and went to school in communities where few people looked like her.
Lissa:
You know, there wasn't very many natives at that time, in the very early seventies, that really left the reservation at that point. Either they were in metropolitan areas or they were on the reservation. And when – the school I went to, I was the first Native American there. Being followed by white boys, being jumped by them – five, six boys deep – jumping a little helpless Indian girl. I remember my mom being upset of how beat up I was. And I mean, they beat me up so bad that they tore my new tennis shoes. Like, how do you even do that? [Chuckles] But when we went to the school for some kind of relief, it was not uncommon for the teachers, the principals, the superintendent to tell me to go back where I came from. That's how my life started out.
Vic:
Just the nerve of that statement.
Lissa:
Yeah. My mom was upset. She brought me back to the res. My grandpa – I was kind of a grandpa's girl. He said, “Bring her back.” You know, I remember coming back and you know, all the uncles were like, “Hey, we're gonna teach you how to fight [laughter]. We're gonna teach you how to protect yourself.” And they did. And so, these same boys followed me. Even the police weren't helping. But when these boys followed me this one last time, I was ready. And they got me, and I beat them up. And then the police showed up at our apartment to arrest me.
Vic:
Oh, Jesus. You know, I rarely say this, Lissa, in interviews. But what you just said makes me very angry. It makes me angry how anyone could treat a little girl like that. It doesn't matter what color her skin is. Just the way a little girl can be treated like that. I'm so sorry that you went through that.
Lissa:
Thank you.
Vic:
Lissa lacked stability in her childhood. She and her mother moved around a lot, so Lissa wasn't able to develop a strong support system. And the adults in her life had their own issues they were dealing with. As an indigenous person, Lissa knows all too well the ways alcohol has devastated tribes like hers ever since the United States government forced natives onto reservations decades ago.
Lissa:
You know, it wasn't really until I came back to the reservation that I actually saw the effects of long-term alcoholism. It was almost like another bit of trauma added to my little basket. The physical effects it takes over their body, the stumbling and not being able to speak clearly. And you know, most of these in this area were relatives. You have this person, and they're almost falling on you, but at the same time they're saying, “Hey, it's good to see you. I'm your uncle.” Or “I'm your grandpa.” It was almost like a mixed emotion, you know? And we don't understand. Like, why is this person like that? And then you see the bottle. We're taught to have respect. And we're taught to acknowledge our relatives. But you know, as a kid, you're like, how do I be respectful? How do I acknowledge? How do I do what's expected of me when this person basically, sometimes don't even deserve that kind of respect. You know what I mean?
Vic:
Yeah.
Lissa:
As a child, you think that this person has a choice not to be that way. We never had that understanding of their trauma and what brought them to that point.
Vic:
When she was just 12 years old, Lissa started drinking, experimenting with marijuana and ran away from home. And she was often on her own through her teens and experiencing trauma and abuse into her twenties. And it was still just the beginning.
Lissa:
You know, I was, I was pretty troubled by then. My mind, my body, my soul, my spirit was probably – had been so harmed by that time. Those were teasers for me. Let me put it that way. You know what I mean?
Vic:
Yeah.
Lissa:
Those were teasers.
Vic:
Of things to come. Yeah.
Lissa:
Yeah.
Vic:
Lissa moved to a big city and then tried to get her life together. Her twenties were calmer moments in her life in many ways. Although she never stopped drinking outright, she had stretches of sobriety while having kids – five in all. And despite all the odds stacked against her, she went to college and graduated with a degree in criminal justice. But then she met a man named OJ.
Lissa:
OJ was a crack dealer. He's the one that introduced me to crack cocaine. And in the beginning he said, don't ever, you know, don't touch this. Don't mess with it. Don't – you know. Then one day he smoked it with me, and that was it. That was a wrap.
Vic:
Yeah. That first high is like – it – I, I don't know how to put into words for people who've never smoked crack. But like, you know, some drugs you can just do and not go back to it for a while, like booze or whatever. But you hit that first crack pipe. It's like, game on. This is my life now.
Lissa:
Yep. Yep. It's just like flipping a switch. There's no flipping it back and forth. There's no maintaining. There's no, you know, I'm gonna just be a weekend user.
Vic:
Yeah.
Lissa:
No. Haha [dryly]. You just…
Vic:
No one's a weekend crack user.
Lissa:
…Yep. Nope. You just kissed your life, your relationships, your children, your occupation, anything, you just kissed that goodbye.
Vic:
Yeah.
Lissa:
Yep. It was almost kind of a replay of like the first time you ever drink alcohol or the first time you ever smoke or anything like that. It was kind of like that euphoria times a million.
Vic:
And that's such a good point because so many times, addicts – we keep chasing that first high.
Lissa:
Oh my God. Yes.
Vic:
We spend our whole lives just trying to get that first high back.
Lissa:
Yep. I felt like I got married that day. [Deep sigh] You know what I mean?
Vic:
Yeah. Yeah.
Lissa:
And yeah, my life changed. I went from bad to the worst that you could possibly go in a matter of one puff.
Vic:
The volatility in Lissa's relationship with OJ was growing until it came to head one night when Lissa was working late. She hadn't checked her phone for several hours. OJ was home with the kids but spent the day getting drunk and high on crack. Lissa's oldest, Shauna, was 12 years old and her youngest child, Micah, had just been born the previous summer.
Lissa:
And I finished delivering. It was pretty late. I would say maybe about, I don't know, eight or nine. And when I got done with that last delivery, I turned my phone on, and I'm going down Interstate-94 from Minneapolis to St. Paul. I turned my phone on, and it really freaked me out ‘cause it says you have a hundred and some missed calls. And I had probably 20 messages or something like that. And he was like, “I know you're using, I know you're getting high. I know you're doing this.” And pretty soon you know, on some of the other messages you can – you could hear that he was assaulting my children on the phone and letting me hear that on the message. And so [deep breath] by this time I'm literally driving like a hundred miles per hour, down 94.
Vic:
By the time Lissa arrived at the apartment building, the neighbors heard the commotion and were already out in the hallway. They tried to hold Lissa back, but she pushed past them and went into the apartment. And just a warning here. What she's about to describe is very upsetting.
Lissa:
And I opened the door to go see my kids, and he hit me in the face with a aluminum baseball bat. And that's when it started.
Vic:
God damn it.
Lissa:
I uh. I got past him at one point. I went into the bedroom and you know, it did look like my kids – I, I didn't know if they were alive or not. But by that time he came in, he took a telephone cord and tried to strangle me. At some point he left the room, and I had looked to see where my kids were and honestly, they didn't look like they were alive. So I picked up the bat that he left on the floor, and I went into the other room and hit him with it. And he got the bat away from me and – and, and continued to hit me.
Vic:
Lissa's kids were not hurt, thank God. But they were witnessing their mother endure repeated strikes from OJ even as she tried to fight back. Her daughter, Shauna, managed to call 911. When they answered, Shauna said, “My stepdad is trying to kill my mom.” OJ was arrested and was sent to prison.
Lissa spent two days in the hospital. And when she rejoined her kids in the apartment, she just went on smoking crack. She stopped paying rent, and they all ended up living out of a motel room.
You know, after that incident with OJ, you didn't have anywhere to stay so you stayed at a motel. Your oldest, your 12 year old daughter, decided to run away.
Lissa:
Yes.
Vic:
What was going through your mind when she left?
Lissa:
Well, I was trying. I was trying to get it together, you know, on my own really. And it broke my heart. It broke my heart. I knew she had run away. And I was thinking – being honest with myself – basically took an inventory of all the reasons why she ran away. She was basically the sole parent of her younger siblings, you know, while I was out doing what I was doing. She had been through so much. She just witnessed what OJ had done to me. I couldn't imagine. And like, I even hadn't been through that, you know?
Vic:
Yeah.
Lissa:
And I knew this in my heart, that she was tired of it. And she left. Of course I wanted my daughter with me, you know? Of course I wanted to call the police. I wanted to go find her. I wanted … And then I thought, “And then do what with her?”
Vic:
Yeah.
Lissa:
What am I gonna do with her? Where is she gonna go? She's gonna come back to this hotel room, which isn't even really a home? I knew she had a network, a better network than I could ever provide for her, really.
Vic:
Yeah.
Lissa:
So I had to kind of balance this scale in my own head: do I go get my daughter and bring her back to this mess, or do I leave her alone? And so I left her. And that choice did cause me some problems, you know, and repercussions later because my daughter misinterpreted what my intent was. And that was, I loved her enough to let her make her choices because I was incapable of doing that.
Vic:
Things didn't get any easier for Lissa. In the next two years, both of her youngest sons would get very sick. The stress kicked Lissa's drug use into an even higher gear, and to cope Lissa started using and selling drugs. But she was soon caught by the police, and a judge sentenced Lissa to 10 years in prison.
Lissa:
I remember in the courtroom that day when he said 10 years. I just, like – that feeling that comes over you. Like when you take your first crack kit, you know.
Vic:
Yeah.
Lissa:
But it wasn't a euphoric kind of wave. It was a heartbreaking wave.
Vic:
Yeah.
Lissa:
Once I was locked up and I didn't have anywhere to run and I'd had the quiet time to invest, I started seeing things and hearing things.
Vic:
It was the voices of her ancestors and what they had to say would change the trajectory of Lissa's life. More on that after the break.
Lissa Yellow Bird-Chase was sent to prison for selling drugs. She says being behind bars gave her time to think. She also stayed away from drugs. This gave her the ability to tap into what she called a higher plane.
Lissa:
I just – it threw me into a deep state of thinking. And I feel like I was actually been running around with this dangling cord here. And I had the time and the sense and the opportunity to take that cord and just plug it into the higher energy forces.
Vic:
Lissa was having visions of her loved ones, her elders who came bearing messages of hope and wisdom. Lissa had never been very connected with the spiritual ways of her tribe. But when she shared these messages from beyond with her cellmates and even with prison guards, Lissa says they validated what she was experiencing. They recognized their own elders in Lissa's visions.
Lissa:
Yeah. So like people were validating, and that was kind of a big deal to be validated because I guess I always just kind of thought I was a little nuts, you know? [Chuckling] And so any type of chemical reaction to ignore these kinds of connections was always probably something I did naturally, but not even consciously. So once I was in there, I didn't have anything to repress these connections, and that's helped me. So once I was outta prison, I did seek to include more of our traditional ways and really kind of delve into that aspect of my life.
Vic:
Lissa went home after serving two years in prison. She and her kids were living in an apartment together, and she thought her life was finally turning a corner. But Lissa's visions were getting stronger and suddenly became more aggressive. Lissa was sensing tension among the spirit surrounding her family and the apartment complex. Then one day as she and her kids were coming home from the grocery store, she experienced something chilling.
Lissa:
I could just feel the hostility, the rage. I was like, oh my God, something's gonna happen. I drove up over the curb onto the grass. And I parked right in front of our balcony. And I told the kids, “You can take the groceries off from here.”
And the kids were like, “Mom, everybody's looking. Oh my God.” Like, “They probably think we're lazy.”
“I don't care if they think we're lazy. You're taking 'em off here. Go in there, and don't you dare come out. Do not come out of this apartment. I'm telling you.”
Vic:
Lissa drove back onto the road and parked the car. Now as she crossed the street, making her way to the apartment, she heard a car approaching. And just as her foot reached out to the curb to get off the road, she was hit by a truck and dragged several yards into a fire hydrant.
Lissa:
I ended up with five vertebrae broken in my neck, a double concussion. My pelvis had 12 fractures. So basically it was crushed. I broke my legs. I almost lost my left arm. It was crushed. After I had come to, this spiritual being basically woke me up and told me that “You don't understand this, but you don't listen. You don't listen. And now we've done what we had to to make you listen. Now you will be forced to sit still, and you have no choice, but you will listen.” And that you know, I would be given these teachings.
Vic:
Lissa didn't recognize the spirit who visited her, but she remembered what he looked like. She distinctly recalled a pair of Harry Potter-style glasses and a top hat. She didn't think much of it at first, but then she saw a picture of that same man wearing traditional native clothing and a headdress at her grandmother's house.
Lissa:
She said, “That's my father.”
And I said, “I know that guy. I know that guy.” I said, “He wears Harry Potter glasses and a top hat.” I said, “Where's his glasses? I know that guy.”
And my grandma was like, “Well that's my dad.”
I said, “This is the guy that came to my hospital room, Grandma. This is the one that came to me at the nursing home. This is the man.” I said, “But where is his Harry Potter glasses?”
And my mom, she looks at me like I'm nuts. And she says, “Who wears all their traditional outfit with Harry Potter glasses?” [Laughter] And I thought, okay, well then.
Just then my auntie Jessie, she comes walking outta my grandma's bedroom. And she says, “You mean like this?” And she shows me a picture of my grandpa Ben, and his wife. It's an old picture. And he has the coat, like that felt coat. And he has a top hat, like I explained. And he's got the Harry Potter glasses. And I said…
Vic:
Wow.
Lissa:
…I said, “Where did you get that?”
She said, “It just came in the mail yesterday.” It was a old picture that my grandma's sister made into Christmas cards.
Vic:
That's incredible. Lissa knew that her spiritual awakening was leading her to something important, but it wasn't clear yet what that would be. But she leaned into the spiritual teaching she was receiving. She started to embrace her traditional practices and began to internalize ideals of self-sacrifice.
Lissa:
The spiritual connection didn't like, download this compressed file, and say, “This is what you're gonna do from here on out.”
Vic:
Uh huh.
Lissa:
I still was clueless, right? But I was kind of following the ways, you know. It's kind of amazing that I would have walked into our spiritual ways which is about – it focuses on sacrifice, sacrifice for the people. When you're out there, and you’re maybe sun dancing, and you’re connected with that Tree of Life. And at that point, you've already made that commitment to Creator that, should you die in that circle from the heat or exhaustion or whatever, because it's all about sacrificing. There's no eating and drinking. And a lot of people don't take medications if they need it, whatever. But you've already made that commitment with Creator that whatever happens in that circle, that you're there. You're gonna pray. And if it takes you down, and if they choose you to come be with them, that you're good with that. Right?
Vic:
Wow. How much of that played into you starting your work in missing persons cases?
Lissa:
It had everything to do with that.
Vic:
Lissa finally understood the call from her elders, and that's when she started searching for missing and murdered indigenous women and girls. Her first big search was the case of KC Clarke, an oil field worker who had gone missing on the Fort Berthold Reservation. Lissa's involvement in this case became the subject of a book called “Yellow Bird: Oil, Murder, and a Woman's Search for Justice in Indian Country.” It was written by Sierra Crane Murdoch and was a finalist for the Pulitzer Prize in 2020. With the popularity of the book, Lissa became known as a person who was good at finding missing people. At the time, Lissa wasn't aware that many native communities were suffering from a crisis of missing and murdered indigenous women and girls. She didn't understand the extent of the problem until she met an indigenous advocacy group.
Lissa:
And they said, you know, “Hey, it's great what you're doing. Did you know there's a missing indigenous problem?”
And I was like, “No I didn't.” And I was 100% unaware.
And they said, “Look, this is what's going on in Canada.” And we talked about these things, and once they brought it to my attention I started seeing it.
Vic:
Wow.
Lissa:
And I was like, “Wow, what's going on here?” So, you know, it was just like one case after the other. It's like for every one case that I would start working, five more families would reach out. And it just became so clear what a huge problem we have. It just became so much that I basically left my job just to do this.
Vic:
Lissa gets calls and messages about missing people every single day. She spends most of the year on the road, but her work comes along with sacrifices. Lissa doesn't get paid for searching. She has to cover the driving costs on her own. When families reach out to her, she heads out across places like North Dakota, sometimes New Mexico, Oklahoma, Montana, wherever the missing are. Before Lissa started her searching efforts, she had saved up a little money to fulfill a lifelong dream.
Lissa:
My goal, my life goal, was to be able to come back to Fort Berthold and pay cash for a house and be like, “I want this house. Put it here.” And I was ready to do that when this started. I balanced work and what I did for the first few years, and I've been utilizing that money. Well, I'm on the last few dollars of it now. I have sacrificed all that looking for other people's loved ones. And I'm okay with that because this has started a movement here.
Vic:
It's your calling, it's your calling.
Lissa:
Yeah.
Vic:
And it wasn't a straight line, but by gosh, you're here. I mean, what a blessing really. I mean. We go from the ultimate form of selfishness, right? Where we're just like hoarding drugs and doing drugs and forgetting everyone else, to – this is the ultimate form of sacrifice, personal selflessness, what you're doing now. Do you ever pause and reflect on that? How much of a change that's been for you?
Lissa:
But that's walking in Creator's way. And the same, like when we are in that circle, we have already made a decision and a commitment with Creator that whatever happens to us – those prayers, those offerings, those sacrifices – we're willing to do whatever it takes. Because you know what? There's times I'm like, I gotta go on a search and I don't have gas money to get there. And something pulls through. Or a friend says, “Hey, I just wanna help you out. Here's 150 bucks.”
This is my life. I live it. I talk it. I breathe it. It's immersed in every part of my DNA here. And the thing that keeps me going – my new euphoria – comes from a family member that says, “Thank you. You've given me hope. You've made me wanna help others. You've made me wanna help the people.” And it's not about me. It's about sending that word out. I have people that call and say, “Hey, will you come and train us?” I have people that call and say, “Hey, we don't know where to start, but we're gonna look for so-and-so. Can you give us some tips?” People know that I'll answer my phone almost any time, even in the middle of the night. And just for them to reach out and to feel that comfort and that security to know that they're not gonna be judged or anything like that. And to make themselves vulnerable enough to make that first phone call. That's where the new euphoria comes from.
Vic:
Does the searching help you heal from your trauma?
Lissa:
It does.
Vic:
How do you feel when you're out there searching for someone?
Lissa:
There's a difference between knocking on doors, and then there's a difference between actually walking on Mother Earth in a methodical way. Every step you take on Her skin with your dog or your other searchers, or whoever is in that circle with you at that moment. And to feel Her appreciation, to feel Her honor, and to know that once you tune in and listen and be quiet and listen to even our own mother, She will give you clues to where Her own children are.
Vic:
That's incredible Lissa. I mean, we used to think that the drugs and alcohol provided euphoria – which, we were wrong. But now euphoria comes from two simple words: thank you. What an incredible, incredible change.
Lissa Yellow Bird-Chase has found several missing and murdered native women, much to the gratitude of the families who reach out to her. Lissa says she's mended her relationships with most of her kids who are all adults now. They found a way to grow and heal together. Her oldest, Shauna, is a banker, and her youngest, Micah, is pursuing a career in social services to help underprivileged kids.
“Back from Broken” is a show about how we're all broken sometimes and how we need help from time to time. If you're struggling with addiction or abuse, you could find a list of resources at our website backfrombroken.org. Thanks for listening to “Back from Broken.” Please review the show on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. It helps other people find it. “Back from Broken” is hosted by me, Vic Vela. Our lead producer today was Luis Antonio Perez. Find a list of everyone who helped make this episode in the show notes. This podcast is made possible by Colorado Public Radio members. Learn about supporting “Back from Broken” at cpr.org.
