Matthew Jarvis grew up in a home where his parents fought a lot, sometimes violently. That situation set the stage for years of difficult relationships and a crack cocaine addiction. But then a realization led Matthew to change his outlook on life -- and ultimately help others with similar challenges.
Back from Broken is a show about how we are all broken sometimes, and how we need help from time to time. If you’re struggling, you can seek help through a list of resources we've compiled.
Host: Vic Vela
Lead producer: Luis Antonio Perez
Editor: Dennis Funk
Producers: Jo Erickson, Rebekah Romberg
Music: Daniel Mescher, Brad Turner, Blue Dot Sessions
Executive producers: Brad Turner, Rachel Estabrook
Thanks also to Hart van Denburg, Jodi Gersh, Clara Shelton, Matt Herz, Martin Skavish, Kim Nguyen, Francie Swidler.
On Twitter: @VicVela1
Transcript:
Vic Vela:
A quick note before we begin. This episode contains descriptions of substance abuse and talk of domestic violence and self-harm. Listener discretion is advised.
Matthew Jarvis:
I came down Rabbit Ears Pass into the Valley and I, it was just beautiful. I really felt like this was a new beginning for me. And I got a little tear in my eye and I was just like, this is it. I'm going to be a good dad. I'm going to get in shape. I had all these plans.
Vic Vela:
In the late 1990s, after nearly 10 years of struggling with addiction to crack cocaine and alcohol in Denver, Colorado, Matthew Jarvis was ready to reinvent himself. He would leave behind the drugs, the drinking, and even his daughter for a chance at a fresh start. That new life was waiting for him three hours away, in Steamboat Springs in the Colorado mountains. Matthew had the feeling that all of his problems would soon be over as he rode off into the sunset with his fists raised in triumph.
Matthew Jarvis:
And, you know, looking back, I had a lot of moments like that in my addiction, these “Rocky” moments where I thought I was gonna do it and change.
Vic Vela:
Oh, Rocky Balboa, yeah.
Matthew Jarvis:
Yeah, like up on the steps and this is it.
Vic Vela:
You could hear the music playing [SINGS ROCKY THEME]. Yeah.
Matthew Jarvis:
Honestly, every fiber of my being did not want to have these problems. I didn't want to be a drug addict and have to have these cravings all the time and stuff. And so I really thought that that was a moment for me.
Vic Vela:
Like so many people working towards sobriety, Matthew would have a lot of moments like this, where he made it to the top of the stairs, ready to emerge victorious and clean only to fall back down and relapse once more. Matthew's story is proof that the path to recovery doesn't follow a perfect arc, but is as jagged as the peaks of the Rocky mountain.
I’m Vic Vela. I'm a journalist, a storyteller and a recovering drug addict. And this is “Back from Broken” from Colorado Public Radio — stories about the highest highs, the darkest moments and what it takes to make a comeback
Matthew Jarvis grew up in East Denver in the early 1970s.
Matthew Jarvis:
That's where I spent probably 10 years of my life, my childhood there. I'm from a biracial family, so my father is African-American, my mother's an Irish lady from Nebraska. And you know, this was the 60s. So there was some, some challenges with those two being married, got a lot of racial tension in my neighborhood. And so we were dealing with that.
Vic Vela:
Before Matthew and his brother were born, his parents suffered a devastating tragedy. They lost an infant child to crib death. The trauma from that loss would linger for years to come.
Matthew Jarvis:
I was born into a grieving family that had limited coping skills to deal with everything that they were dealing with. So, I definitely think that impacted me and my development is this showing up on the scene with a, a lot of grief, a lot of sadness, a lot of anger. And of course, alcohol. And racial tensions. There was a lot of social pressure, I think, on my family that was you know, it was kind of new territory, charting new territory for interracial couples back then.
Vic Vela:
So your dad was a jazz musician and I guess it makes sense to me that he would be out late at night, right?
Matthew Jarvis:
Yeah
Vic Vela:
So, you know, he was out late, they fought. What were their arguments like?
Matthew Jarvis:
I think a lot of it had to do with him seeing other women, or that was just always an issue, this suspicion that there was cheating. And a lot of the fighting was happening while my folks were drinking.
Vic Vela:
Yeah. Well, from what you remember from being a boy, what was it like for you to witness their fights?
Matthew Jarvis:
You know what, it was scary. I think it's hard for any kid to make sense of when the parents are out of control. So me and my brother would hide in closets or we'd just kind of stay away. Sometimes we'd be right there in the middle of it. So it was, it was scary.
Vic Vela:
Matthew’s father ended up moving out when Matt was seven and his parents eventually divorced, but separation didn't end the violence. His dad would return to the house, sometimes unannounced, hoping to reconnect with his family. One evening, his parents arguing came to a head and would halt Matthew's relationship with his father for years.
Matthew Jarvis:
It was a bad night for them. And then they had a bad fight. We were up in my room, obviously I could hear them. What happened is my dad grabbed my mom and she had a glass in her hand and the glass broke and then she hit him with the glass and it punctured his eye. So he, yeah, he lost his eye in that situation. After that, my dad never came over to the house again.
Vic Vela:
After this, Matthew's mom moved the family to the neighboring suburb of Aurora, hoping to escape more than just her ex-husband. This was the early 1980s and the start of America's crack epidemic that devastated many Black and low income neighborhoods, just like those in East Denver. Matthew's mother wanted to get her sons away from those influences, but the move didn't do much to keep drugs and alcohol out of their lives.
Matthew Jarvis:
There was kids with weed, like day one. Same thing. We'd head over to somebody's house after school, get high and drink, you know, and I was still kind of faking it and acting like I was drinking more than I was, but kids were drinking and smoking pot in, like, seventh grade. I would just kind of smoke weed during the week at school and after school and stuff like that. Now, sort of a side story here is I had met a girl in high school that was an exchange student from Sweden. And this was my first love I would say. And she had to go back to Sweden at the end of the school year, and my drinking escalated quite a bit when she left. And so, I was drinking and I was trying to call this girl in Sweden and I, you know, it got, it started getting ugly to where she had to not take my calls and then I basically ruined the relationship because I was so hurt.
Vic Vela:
That was your first experience with falling in love and then getting heartbroken.
Matthew Jarvis:
Yeah, I was heartbroken and it was— I didn't have the tools to cope this feeling of loss. That's what was common in my house when I was born, that kind of a feeling of just heartbreak and sadness and alcohol. And so looking back that was kind of a flash indicator that I had some other problems with romantic relationships, that I have some real trouble with losing love.
Vic Vela:
Well, when did the drugs get bad? When did cocaine enter the picture?
Matthew Jarvis:
So that happened in high school. I think somewhere around my senior year, somebody introduced powder cocaine to the party. And that's, you know, that's kind of when a unique relationship I developed with cocaine. Cocaine was my drug of choice. And I still had a bunch of friends down in Denver and they were all getting into gangs and crack, really, right around when that that movie “Colors” came out. And so, you know, I smoked it in over there in East Denver one night, and that was when I was in high school.
Vic Vela:
Well, that’s something you and I have in common, that drug, smoking crack, and it's, but it's one that not a lot of people have a lot of experience with, right? I guess the best you can, what's the intensity of that drug like?
Matthew Jarvis:
Well, you know, it's, it's, it was powerful. A powerful drug, unlike anything I had ever experienced. After I inhaled the smoke, that euphoric rush came on and then, I would say, two or three seconds later, my first thought was, I got to have more. It's an immediate up and down. And so the tweaking and the craving, whatever, that happened immediately, that night, I'm talking like the first time I did it. All that stuff they were saying about it, “it only takes one time,” and they were right. It was true. And that was a pretty significant moment. So that set off like maybe a 10- to 12-year struggle with crack cocaine.
Vic Vela:
After graduating from high school in 1989, Matthew's addiction to drugs and alcohol progressed. And he would rapidly experience a series of traumatic life events. In the early 90s, he welcomed the birth of a daughter, but partying and addiction kept him on the fringes of her life. Matthew was also hospitalized during a life-threatening battle with alcoholic pancreatitis. It's a disease that's usually more prevalent in addicts twice his age. He was also finding himself caught up in dangerous situations, including one fateful night out with his friends.
Matthew Jarvis:
We went to a party. A couple of my buddies were having trouble with the guy that was charging for the keg. I had interacted with this fellow right when we came in and I, you know, I knew right away that he was somebody to keep an eye on, you know, and there was an altercation. And we ended up scuffling with this guy and he actually pulled out a gun and shot at all of us. And we all ran out of this party. And then we were in the parking lot and realized that none of us had been shot. And so a couple of my buddies called out that he was using blanks and that we should kick his butt for using blanks.
So they ran back to the party and he was there at the door and I was right behind, you know, running with these guys, and he pulled out the gun and it wasn't blanks. So he shot my friend and killed him. And it never clicked in my brain that the reason stuff like this was happening was because of the lifestyle that I was living. It never even clicked that maybe I should make some, make some different choices. It was, we kept powering on. And I honestly almost saw that as like a badge of honor, that one of us had been killed and, you know, I hate to say that, but I was young and ignorant. And so we kept on drinking, you know, pouring out our forties and kept doing exactly what we were doing.
Vic Vela:
I mean, there's a lot of trauma going on, man. I mean, what kind of emotional toll did, did your friend's death take?
Matthew Jarvis:
Well, you know, at the time I don't, I don't think I, it didn't really set, like the gravity of it. So we just kinda kept moving. And I, maybe the fact that I was drinking and smoking pot and doing other drugs all the time, kind of insulated me from the traumas, but those initial traumas kind of get buried. These were serious, pinnacle events in my life. And I had never really actually sat with those events because I was running to the next thing. It was like, we were all on the run, so yeah.
Vic Vela:
And self-medicating, yeah. Meanwhile, a high school friend was living up in the central mountains of Colorado. He said, you should move up there to get away from all the drugs and drama. So in the late 90s, you packed up your things and you moved to Steamboat Springs.
Matthew Jarvis:
Yeah. I was hoping to get a new start. I would wake up and want to be done. You know, it was unpleasant for me. And I would just hope that it would be over. And needless to say, I think within two days of being in Steamboat, I knew three coke dealers. I had been kicked out of one bar permanently.
Vic Vela:
Oh man.
Matthew Jarvis:
I got into a fight. I think I broke my hand one night there. I mean, so it was not different than Denver at all. This whole idea of like moving somewhere else. It was just not— I wasn't going to do anything at all. In fact, my, my stuff got worse up there.
Vic Vela:
When Matthew arrived in Steamboat Springs in 1997, it was supposed to be his Rocky Balboa moment. But in his few years there, his problems accelerated. While he was there, he started dating a woman who he partied with, and Matthew grew obsessive in the relationship. He became violent with her. This led to multiple arrests and saw him facing charges for domestic violence, as well as a restraining order.
You know, this incident with the woman you were dating and how it turned into two arrests in Steamboat Springs — were you feeling at that time that you were really having issues with your personal relationships?
Matthew Jarvis:
It didn't click that way for me, though. I really was focused on her. I don't think I was well at the time. And I really thought that if we just got back together that everything would be okay. And the more trouble I got in, like the more focused on her I became. Again, if I look at the template of my life, I think that's what was going on with my dad, this very same dynamic of like trying to get the girl to, to stay with you, to not leave. And it turns into this whole tragic, dramatic thing. And that's exactly what was going on with me. And so I wasn't thinking, Oh, I got some problems I need to get help here. I was thinking, she needs to come back. That's what the problem is here.
Vic Vela:
And did it worry you at all that, that at this time in your life, you were behaving pretty much like your parents were when you were a boy?
Matthew Jarvis:
No, I mean, it it's so amazing, Vic, because I didn't connect those dots at the time.
Vic Vela:
Coming up after a break, Matthew starts connecting those dots, but only after more broken relationships, jail and a roller coaster of relapse and recovery.
After a failed attempt to turn his life around in Steamboat Springs, Colorado, Matthew Jarvis was now on intensive supervised probation for violating his restraining order. Around the year 2000, in an attempt to change his life again, he moved back to Denver to live with his mom. But back home, he soon fell into old patterns. And after failing a few mandatory drug screenings, Matthew's probation officer told him he was now facing two very different paths.
Matthew Jarvis:
The probation officer called me and said, okay, here's your options. You can go do your time, which is probably safer for you. It's like six months or something. Or you can go to this program. And the program was called Stout Street Foundation. And so, at the time that sounded less scary than jail. So I chose to go to the place.
Vic Vela:
Rehab center.
Matthew Jarvis:
Yeah.
Vic Vela:
Yeah. And you ended up spending 18 months there. I mean, that's a long time. You got clean and while you were there, you found a new relationship.
Matthew Jarvis:
Yeah. I ended up getting in a relationship in this program. And it was with somebody that was outside of the program.
Vic Vela:
Okay.
Matthew Jarvis:
And we ended up falling in love and all this stuff. What had happened really is I became way more focused on her than my program that I was supposed to be working on myself, in this treatment center. And I was thinking, you know, this is it. When I get out, I'm gonna marry this woman. I don't need to worry about working on my issues and stuff like that because I have her.
Vic Vela:
But when Matthew moved out of the facility for aftercare treatment, he soon found that the relationship wouldn't solve his problems. With greater freedom to see his girlfriend, he became more fixated and obsessed with her. Eventually Matthew said his controlling behavior freaked her out, and the relationship fell apart, and he fell apart along with it.
Matthew Jarvis:
You know, I was trying to call her, she wouldn't call me back what I was just feeling so… Like, I was in withdrawal. This woman was like a drug to me. She was so beautiful. And so I woke up and I thought, you know what? I know how to fix this. I know how to make this pain go away. And I went and got some beer, drank it, and it was terrible. And so I ended up getting crack that day. And within 24 hours, I was back doing all the old stuff that I used to do. I was pawning things. I was lying. I was hiding it. I was still in this program and it was like I hadn't even stopped.
And so that went on for a couple of days. I got kicked out of the program and I was having a really bad day. I think I had been up all night and I was trying to call her and she wasn't taking my calls. And so I was getting more and more agitated as the day went on. And I finally decided that I was going to head out to her house and just have a talk. And so I went out there and was beating on her door and it was just a, it was a really bad situation. And the police ended up showing up and I was very depressed and desperate. There was a razor, like a disposable razor, in my pocket, and I broke it in my pocket and just had like the metal part of the razor. And so I thought that I was going to go ahead and try to kill myself on this lady's porch.
Vic Vela:
Oh my gosh.
Matthew Jarvis:
So I started using that razor. It was dark, so the police couldn't see that I was actually cutting my wrists, like up through my sleeve. And one police officer, she saw the blood and then, you know, got on the horn and called everybody else in. And the whole Castle Rock, whatever, police showed up, fire, everybody was there. Her whole block was lit up. There was a point when one of the officers, they had me surrounded and he had his Glock right at my face. I had my hoodie on, I was not cooperating. And I looked at him in the eye and I knew that this particular officer was not playing like he was ready to do it. And so I just stopped. And you know, what I was thinking is she's going to see how much I love her. I thought she was going to run out with like a wedding ring and a, and a box of chocolate and say, Oh my God, you love me so much, like, this is great. This is— but that's not what happened. I ended up going to the hospital and once they stabilized me, the police took me out to the Douglas County jail where I spent the next nine months.
Vic Vela:
Well, this was about 2002. I mean, jail's a terrible experience. What was it like for you?
Matthew Jarvis:
It was— jail sucks.
Vic Vela:
Yeah.
Matthew Jarvis:
Pretty much.
Vic Vela:
Just in general.
Matthew Jarvis:
Well, so I was in this jail and I'm reading the Bible, I'm doing pushups, I'm reading the NA, I'm going to the meetings. I'm really thinking like, okay, this is it. I'm going to stop. This is my shot, again, like one of those Rocky things. And I'm in there building myself up.
Vic Vela:
By this time, it's Rocky 5, right?
Matthew Jarvis:
It's Rocky 20.
Vic Vela:
Right.
Matthew Jarvis:
And amazingly, my father came and visited me while I was there. And I hadn't seen him in a long time. So that was kind of a unique moment to see him through the glass and the phone. And that was like the one time I had a dad, you know, and it was an important moment for me. I could tell that this, like, the pain was still there with him too. It’s just so, such an amazing moment for me. And so, you know, I thought I was done, man.
Vic Vela:
After nine months in jail, Matthew was released on unsupervised probation. He'd used the time to focus on his sobriety and was ready to start his life over again. But on his first day out, a small trigger would almost instantly undo his progress.
Matthew Jarvis:
So they let me out of the jail. And I went to my car that day, and in the backseat was a carton of Newport cigarettes. And I saw those cigarettes and the thought clicked in my brain that my dealer trades Newports for crack.
Vic Vela:
Oh.
Matthew Jarvis:
Yeah. I mean, it was immediate. And all the jail, the suicide attempt, the girl, the pushups — that all went out the window. It was gone immediately. I was like on my way to the dealers.
Vic Vela:
After months of jail. And after all that, just what that carton of cigarettes triggered.
Matthew Jarvis:
Yeah. Just to go through all that and be absolutely convinced that I was done. And now it just took one small stimulus like that. And it was boom. When I saw that carton, it was like, my whole body lit up, you know, the energy came in. It's like, okay, here we go. I'll just do it this one time on my way to my mom's. And then we're going to have dinner. And, you know, I went and then that turned into, back into the mire, back into the abyss.
Vic Vela:
For a lot of people in recovery, it's often the little things, the everyday things like cigarettes in a backseat, that can trigger a relapse. It speaks to the insanity of addiction. And that's what happened to Matthew.
Matthew Jarvis:
It's devastating, you know? Because it highlights this symptom of addiction, which is ongoing use despite negative consequences. I don't know if people without addiction can understand that, but it was almost like
Vic Vela:
consequences be damned.
Matthew Jarvis:
Yeah. That wasn't enough to stop me.
Vic Vela:
You know, obviously several months in jail didn't prepare you to give up drugs. You were still using. What finally got you to turn away from drugs for good?
Matthew Jarvis:
Yeah. Well, I was getting close to the end. A lot of people were just done with me and what happened was I started craving again. And so my dealer told me, Hey, let me use your car and I'll give you some more. And so I let him use my car and ended up sitting in his house with these other gang banger dudes that were with him. And while I was in there, as somebody who got assaulted, they assaulted some girl out in the front yard and I watched it and I'm sitting there with these guys. I mean, they're literally telling me how they were like killers and telling me about the stuff they do. And I had the crack in my pocket. And so I was like, yeah, well, can I use your bathroom? And so I went in their bathroom and I started smoking in the bathroom, which is like a big no-no apparently with these folks. And so when I opened the door, they were all standing outside the door and one of them was like, you know, what, what are you doing, man? Are you smoking in my—you know, this was a huge offense. And so I got really scared and I just decided I was going to walk through them and out the door. And a couple of them had bottles in their hands. And so I walked past them thinking somebody's going to hit me over the head, like I knew I was going to get hit with something. And I didn't. I walked out the door and the door shut behind me. And they never, nobody came after me or anything. And so I went and sat on a bus stop on Colfax. It was fricking cold. I didn't have any money. I didn’t have anything. And I see my car going up and down Colfax with dudes in my car.
Vic Vela:
Oh man.
Matthew Jarvis:
So I had this little phone. And so I called Stout Street again and a very important person in my recovery, Cheryl Wells, answered. And she said, you know what? We know you've been out there and you need to bring your ass back here. And she said it like that. She was kinda like a mom to me. And so I went back, man. And this time, when I was back, something was different with me. You know, I wanted to take it seriously. I had been just hurt to a point and scared to a point and thrashed about in such a way that I didn't have any reservations about the fact that I needed a lot of help.
Vic Vela:
Tell me about this guy who was there. He was there the first time through, at Stout Street. And then you guys both relapsed around the same time and came back at the same time, and how his story impacted yours.
Matthew Jarvis:
Yeah. So when I got back, he was there. I was working on myself, doing my best to take responsibility for me and what I needed to do. And this guy was my roommate. I think about seven months in he comes into the room. And he said, okay, they're letting me go. I get to go to the next phase. And he was all happy and stuff. And I was pissed, because I knew he wasn't working as hard as I was. And so I went over to the program director. I told him, you know, what the hell? You're letting this guy go and he's not ready. And I am, and I've been working my ass off. And, and he said to me, he said, you know what, Matt, we're going to let him go because he's already dead. And that's why we're not going to let you go.
Vic Vela:
Wow.
Matthew Jarvis:
And it floored me. Like I never knew that when people hold me accountable and don't let me get my way, that means they care about me. Like it didn't— that never clicked. And so, I'm feeling emotional. So I went back to the room and my daughter, you know, there's a picture of my daughter in the bedroom. And I just had a moment of like, damn, I need to stay, I need to finish this thing out. People care about me and I need to care about myself and I don't need to leave right now. I'm not ready. And so that was a huge moment for me to have just more release, more surrender. And I stayed, I never went back to drugs and alcohol after that.
I used to tell people that I actually had a life problem and a relationship problem, and that the drugs weren't my problem. They were my solution to that. And so when it became apparent that drugs were no longer an option for me, I had to learn how to live life.
Vic Vela:
Matthew would graduate from the program at Stout Street Foundation in 2005, nearly two years after arriving for his second stay. In that time, he began to lead groups and showed talent for helping others. This became formal training for his work at another facility. Over the next 15 years, with the help and encouragement of friends, family, and others along the way, Matthew would eventually go back to school, get his bachelor's and two master's degrees. Today, Matthew Jarvis is a licensed professional counselor and he started his own practice in 2018. Matthew, you now have your own counseling business in Denver, you do individual and couples counseling. And how ironic is that — everything that you've gone through in your romantic relationships that you're now helping couples in their own therapy and recovery?
Matthew Jarvis:
Yeah, it's true. I mean, it's, it's, and it's so amazing. Like I said, sometimes I just sit there after I'm done work and I just sit in my office and I just think about how in the hell, like it's full circle. And I'm there to help. And I, you know, honestly I wish there was a me when I needed me, I wish I could go into my office and somebody would help me make sense of all this anger and pain and the stuff that I was feeling. And so for me to be able to help people work through that and help couples that were like my mom and dad, it's just— that's that God stuff for me. I mean, it's a super humbling feeling to be sitting in that chair. But it didn't come free. It came at a pretty substantial price and it's, and it's not just me that paid that price, but my family, my mom specifically, and she's been the one person in my life that's consistently been there for me the whole time, no matter what. And so without her, you know, I don't think I would be where I'm at today. She never gave up on me. So, you know, it wasn't just like me, that was suffering the whole time. A lot of people around me were.
Vic Vela:
Yeah, it's amazing how, how that happens, right? When you finally realize that your addiction is bad for you, but it's even worse for the people who love you, who can't do anything about it. What's your relationship like with your daughter these days?
Matthew Jarvis:
Oh man, she's actually in recovery now, too. She had her own path, ended up having to go to treatment and all that stuff, but we're both in recovery now. I gotta be careful not to try to be her sponsor, but she's a beautiful soul. She's a beautiful person. She deserves the gifts of recovery. And I think that we pass the addictive gene on, but we also pass our recoveries on. And so if I was going to give her any gift in the world it’s the fact that I was able to recover from this horrible situation. And I hope that she can experience the freedom and the peace that I have. And, you know, she's on her own path.
Vic Vela:
Before we ended our interview, I wanted to ask Matthew how he felt about the way today's opioid crisis is being addressed compared to society's response to the crack epidemic when he was hitting the pipe.
Things did get different when the white suburban kids got hooked on pills, in terms of how people look at drug addiction. Because as you know, in the 80s and 90s, when the crack epidemic was going on, the solution was lock them up. How do you balance not having resentment over that kind of stuff?
Matthew Jarvis:
It does bother me. It hurts, you know, when I look at the treatment center and there was no, there was no people of color in there. And it's something that I have to allow myself to be guided through my higher power, to just, I need to demonstrate that Black men recover and can contribute, you know, and that I am the guy that made it through treatment. It was me. And I really want to get my message out there and just let other men know that this is possible, that there's a pathway out.
Vic Vela:
Matthew Jarvis has been in a healthy relationship with his current girlfriend for two years, and he helps people with their addiction and mental health struggles through his Denver based practice, Courage to Change Counseling Services.
“Back from Broken” is a show about how we're all broken sometimes and how we need help from time to time. If you're struggling with addiction or abuse, you can find a list of resources at our website, backfrombroken.org. Thanks for listening to “Back from Broken.” Please review the show on Apple Podcasts; that helps other people find it. “Back from Broken” is hosted by me, Vic Vela. It's a production of Colorado Public Radio’s Audio Innovations Studio and CPR News. Our lead producer today was Luis Antonio Perez. Find a list of everyone who helped make this episode in the show notes. This podcast is made possible by Colorado Public Radio members. Learn about supporting “Back from Broken” at cpr.org.
